Saturday, June 04, 2011Y

A stronger will to continue in my job....

My psychologist once told me that she can see that i really enjoy working with my students...She can see that im genuinely happy being with them..

Yesh.. its true.. I love teaching.... I never had any teaching experience..... Im quite happy with my progress over the year...

I learnt alot....

I worked hard for my students...... i love being with them..i wanted them to learn.. i wanted them to adapt .. i wanted them to be better......

Never in my life i have thought htat i will be teaching children with learning difficulties...... I had always pictured myself as a mainstream teacher teaching in a pri school or sec schoollll....

Being in this line offers me the kind of satisfaction that i can never find in any other jobs....

I went for a talk at KKH... i felt even more inspired to work in this line.. Will do my best in my adv diploma..

Out of the 35k births in singapore, there is about 1.8k births of babies who hve learning difficulties.... This is the statistics...Numbers are growing..

I have never been a parent.... I am also not a parent of a special child.....Sometimes talking to parents who are still in denial can be heart-breaking as well... Of course, im composed when listening to them...Looking at their tears swelling up in their eyes..... Well.. Having a special child can be so overwhelming...

The entire world changes once the child is labelled atypical... They are a bunch of kids that needed the extra help...Most oftenly, the microsystem of the child affects its learning.......Special education is an expensive thing..

Being in this job gives me another purpose in my life... I just want to help them... im drawing very low pay right now.... but receiving the thanks from the parents whom i helped just give me the drive to move on....

This month, two of my dear students will leave me.. One is gone... I never expected myself to cry when i gave me a hug before he left my classroom... I gave him a last kiss and wished him all the best as he walked out of my centre....

The next will leave at the end of the month....

Im kinda worried for them in some ways.... thinking of what lies ahead of them....... We spent great times together..... And i know.. they wont remember me after some time...

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Sunday, May 22, 2011Y

Happy memories.... Sad memories.... Whether or not the memory is happy, sad, angry or disappointing....... they all hurt as much.........

I can only remind myself that he was the one who chose to give up...

The only reality to me is those words that he said to me on the break up.... Those words that will always remain in my heart..... He is very firm on the break-up....

I can only remind myself that everything has ended....

We faced the same problems that any couple will eventually face in their lives...

We both lost the confidence.. lost the trust.. lost our way.... We just do not know how to carry on...

I could have went to him and beg him back.... But no.. I didnt.... I cant gurantee anything...

People said he still has feelings....

My 5 senses tell me that it is not true at all.

Even if it is true...... we no longer have the strong feelings that can help us to overcome all our differences and problems........

I was dependent on him. I forgot how to fix my computer.

I was dependent on him. I didnt know how to trim noco's nails and flight feathers...

I was dependent on him. When i was really sick, he was the one who nurse me back to my health. I cld even hear his voice calling me when i felt really sick and helpless...

For all i know... i can only pick myself up and learn to live without him...

I learnt how to trim noco's nails independently..

I learnt how to set up a computer...

I learnt that i will eventually be left alone in future... Dad and mum wont be with me forever...i have to learn to look after myself...

怕安靜 (SILENCE PHOBIA)
I went to watch a movie alone.
I end up searching for you in the cinema.
People come and go.
I miss the times being yelled at when i was late.
I received an sms. But it is not from you.
Reading the sms only left me even more disappointed.
You can leave. But why leave behind so many dramas that we never get to watch.

I think i really fear silence. Without squabbling with you, Im not happy.
Once im home, i turn on the radio to drown out all of the silence.
Maybe in this way, i might be able to bear with the pain.

I think i really fear silence. I bathe with my headphones on.
Once the sounds of my video games stop, i fear i will recall everything again.
The one who nags me..The one who loves me.. I never cherished.

Your idol just released an album.
His songs are still as wonderful. But its still heartbreaking for me.
Each line in the song lyrics reminds me to give up.

I think i really fear silence. Without squabbling with you, Im not happy.
Once im home, i turn on the radio to drown out all of the silence.
Maybe in this way, i might be able to bear with the pain.

I think i really fear silence. I bathe with my headphones on.
Once the sounds of my video games stop, i fear i will recall everything again.
The one who nags me..The one who loves me.. I never cherished.

Maybe i should leave my alarm clock ringing.. Maybe i can wake up this way.
I dont feel like giving up. But love cant solely depend on determination.
Even if i manage to persuade you to stay by my side, i fear that you will only be more upset.

Loving someone doesnt mean that we have to be with that person forever.
I really fear the silence.
I dont feel like going out.
But i force myself out.
I roamed around the city. Went into the ktv. Sang your favourite song.
But the person singing the song with me is no longer you.

I realised that i really fear the silence. I fear that i can never hear you calling me anymore.
I sang my heart out in the kitchen. Listen to music on my sofa
Then i realised how much i loved you.
But you are no longer around with me...

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Monday, May 16, 2011Y

羅志祥 Luo Zhi Xiang (小猪) – 怕安静 pa an jing (pinyin)

我又帮自己订了场电影
wǒ yòu bāng zì jǐ dìng le chǎng diàn yǐng
结果坐在广场找你背影
jié guǒ zuò zài guáng chǎng zhǎo nǐ bèi yǐng
人来了又去我好怀念迟到有人会发脾气
rén lái le yòu qù wǒ hǎo huái niàn chí dào yǒu rén huì fā pí qi
手机有收讯简讯不是你
shǒu jī yǒu shōu xùn jiǎn xùn bú shì nǐ
打开了更让人失望到底
dǎ kāi le gèng ràng rén shī wàng dào dǐ
你走就走吧干麻留下每天没看完的韩剧
nǐ zǒu jiù zǒu ba gān má liú xià měi tiān méi kàn wán de hán jù

我想我真的怕安静少了你吵我不开心
wǒ xiǎng wǒ zhēn de pà ān jìng shǎo le nǐ chǎo wǒ bù kāi xīn
回家第一个开机掩盖所有的安静
huí jiā dì yí gè kāi jī yǎn gài suó yǒu de ān jìng
说不定我能够撑过去
shuō bú dìng wǒ néng gòu chēng guò qù
我想我真的怕安静连洗澡都要戴耳机
wǒ xiǎng wǒ zhēn de pà ān jìng lián xí zǎo dōu yào dài ěr jī
打电动声东击西一停我又怕想起
dǎ diàn dòng shēng dōng jī xī yì tíng wǒ yòu pà xiǎng qǐ
念我和爱我的人我没珍惜
niàn wǒ hé ài wǒ de rén wǒ méi zhēn xī
你爱的歌手又出了专辑
nǐ ài de gē shǒu yòu chū le zhuān jí
一样好听可是特别痛心
yí yàng hǎo tīng kě shì tè bié tòng xīn

歌词每一句根本办不到还硬劝我要放弃
gē cí měi yí jù gēn běn bàn bú dào hái yìng quàn wǒ yào fàng qì
我想我真的怕安静少了你吵我不开心
wǒ xiǎng wǒ zhēn de pà ān jìng shǎo le nǐ chǎo wǒ bù kāi xīn
回家第一个开机掩盖所有的安静
huí jiā dì yí gè kāi jī yǎn gài suó yǒu de ān jìng
说不定我能够撑过去
shuō bú dìng wǒ néng gòu chēng guò qù
我想我真的怕安静连洗澡都要戴耳机
wǒ xiǎng wǒ zhēn de pà ān jìng lián xí zǎo dōu yào dài ěr jī
打电动声东击西一停我又怕想起
dǎ diàn dòng shēng dōng jī xī yì tíng wǒ yòu pà xiǎng qǐ

念我和爱我的人我没珍惜
niàn wǒ hé ài wǒ de rén wǒ méi zhēn xī
把闹钟设不停或许我会清醒
bǎ nào zhōng shè bù tíng huò xǔ wǒ huì qīng xǐng
我想等下去可惜爱不能靠毅力
wǒ xiǎng děng xià qu kě xī ài bù néng kào yì lì
要是我挽回你你一定更伤心
yào shì wǒ wǎn huí nǐ nǐ yí dìng gèng shāng xīn
爱一个人不一定要永远在一起
ài yí gè rén bù yí dìng yào yóng yuǎn zài yì qǐ
真的怕安静不想去也硬要出去
zhēn de pà ān jìng bù xiǎng qù yě yìng yào chū qu
逛闹区到 KTV 点你必点的歌曲
guàng nào qū dào KTV diǎn nǐ bì diǎn de gē qǔ
怎麽合唱的人不是你
zěn me hé chàng de rén bú shì nǐ

原来我这麽怕安静是怕再也听不到你
yuán lái wǒ zhè me pà ān jìng shì pà zài yě tīng bú dào nǐ
在厨房大声唱歌在沙发硬跟我挤
zài chú fáng dà shēng chàng gē zài shā fā yìng gēn wǒ jǐ
让我终於晓得我有多爱你
ràng wǒ zhōng yū xiǎo dé wǒ yǒu duō ài nǐ
你已不在这里
nǐ yǐ bú zài zhè lǐ

Monday, May 16, 2011

Sunday, May 15, 2011Y

Im picking up the pieces of my memories with him... bit by bit... i kept away the pictures we took.....

it appears to me that he seems to be moving on.....i shd too.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sunday, May 08, 2011Y

i can only be stronger.. not weaker.... the pain will go away.....

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Its past 12.. im dead tired... but excited over the GE elections.

I didnt get to vote.. but still its exciting...

I cut my hair short today... u can see it in my fb... well...Been having bad hair loss... finally decided to cut my hair short to salvage the problem.

I havent been resting well.. lack of sleep. work is piling. School work is piling...

Still moving on in my life....

there are times when thoughts of him will appear in my mind...Its upsetting especially when you are too used to having someone around you and then he is gone.....

Sometimes im really sad... Sometimes im ok..Sometimes im really happy..sometimes im really down...

Its a natural process of grieving.. I have been reading this book..Not sure how well this book works.. but at least i can give it a try.. theres really no harm trying...

The only reality to me now is that he gave up everything.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Monday, May 02, 2011Y

Within a short span of a week... too many things happened. Be it at work or at personal aspects.

Talked to a few of my close friends. Sorry of the midnight downpour.. I was just too lost to deal with that stupid problem. Thankfully, things cn be resolved.

It seems to be a consistency of me failing sick over the wkend. Perhaps im over-worked. When i was told by my doctor that i will have to be on long term medication for my allergy and that there is no cure for this, i felt nothing.

I have a history of allergic rhinitisis. My nose will hurt. It will bleed. Then come all the nonsense of runny nose, block nose and itchy throat. The exact cause of this is still unknown. Perhaps dust mites?

Now.. whether or not i show any symptom, i have to regularly apply the nasal spray...

Monday, May 02, 2011

Monday, April 11, 2011Y

He left me. On 1st of april 2011, he let go of me.

He doesnt love me anymore.

I will move on too.

丁噹-亲人

別打開禮物的緞帶

最初充滿期待最後都腐敗

別打開午夜的電臺

別讓情歌反覆再愚弄

而愛並沒有教給我生存

只教我交易虛榮給天真

可是愛讓我們變成陌生人

卻變不了更高尚的靈魂

不要吻我只要抱著我

不要愛我做我的親人

把手借我一天一分鐘

做我最親密的親人

不是誰的情人誰的某某某

就算我全身濕透透

我也不再被誰牽著鼻子走

如果我還握住拳頭

可能我怕我的夢飛走

而愛並不如你想的萬能

不能讓我們不再戰爭

可是愛連慈悲也沒多慈悲

誰愛越深越容易被犧牲

不要吻我只要抱著我

不要愛我做我的親人

把手借我一天一分鐘

讓我還敢做我的夢

做我夢中偉大的微笑的英雄

[Translated Lyrics]

giving up opening the presents’ ribbon
that used to make me forward to
giving up the midnight’s radio
never give in yourself to the love songs,again and again,foolishly

because love, has never taught me how to survive
but as a deal of my vanity to the naive
and love has made us a stranger
and not becoming a noble soul within us

i just need your hug,not your kiss
i just need you to be my dearest,not loving me
do lend me your hand,one minute a day
be my dearest
and not becoming my lover or someone’s

even if i have soaked in the rain
i will never going to allow anyone to lead me by the nose
and if i am still clenching my fist
i might afraid my dreams will fly away

and love,is not everything
it can not stop us from war
and love,it will only be a pity
for those that are deeply in love and being sacrifised

i just need your hug,not your kiss
i just need you to be my dearest,not loving me
do lend me your hand,one minute a day
so that i can dream
as my hero with a smile

Monday, April 11, 2011